Are fathers missing in action in today's families?

Third, the ABC series on Fly in, Fly Out workers showed that many fathers are working long distances away from their families.

It's clear from the program that there are thousands of men working shifts like eight days on, six days off. A quick search of Fly in, Fly Out jobs shows that there is, indeed, a large range of jobs of this type available.

How can a man be an effective father and partner when he is so far away from his family, so often, for such long stretches?

Finally, around the world, boys are having difficulties in learning. The educational literature is full of material asking why this is the case: are boys slower than girls? Is school unfair to them? Are we teaching in ways which unconsciously appeal to girls, while boys are rebelling against being made to be in "sit-stilleries".

Ask yourself: how good am I at sitting still all day?

And I've found in interviews that often, behind boys' learning difficulties, there lurks a familiar problem: the lack of a secure connection with a father who is physically and emotionally present. And a father who offers his son attention, encouragement and sensible guidance as to how to get the best from school and life itself.

I think all of these point to the truth about today's families. We have unconsciously emphasized the role of mothers in raising and educating kids. And fathers feel they aren't so important these days.

When I run workshops on raising boys, I tell fathers they have a vital role in raising their sons and daughters. The many mothers present welcome this. A large number of them have encouraged their partners to attend the workshop in the first place! Let's not forget, too, that our idea of what is a family? has altered a great deal since the 1950s. Today we have gay dads (Ricky Martin seems to be one of many); blended families; other variations on the 'normal' family, and the huge variety of cultures who raise kids in their own ways. Thus the 1950s model of families looks pretty quaint. We have to keep adapting and changing our ideas about family as our society changes.

So what can we do to take up Kevin Andrews' ideas? I suggest we start with the following.

First, parents could use some ideas about better parenting. We need sensible, experienced people to offer sound advice to parents. Older men and women could give advice based on their experience. A discussion group for particular fathers might be a good plan. It's likely that Fly in, Fly Out dads could benefit from exchanging ideas.

Second, we need to encourage men to be fathers. Many of us feel that being a dad is the most important job a man will ever do. We need to spread the word about how a man can spend time with his sons and daughters. Playing hide and seek, throwing a ball around, learning to swim: the list is endless. Kids love the attention they get from their dads. And many a man has been surprised by his joy in being a dad.

Third, we males must develop our emotional intelligence. Kraemer talks about alexythymia among males. This is a lack of an emotional vocabulary. It's associated with deficits in inter-hemispheric transfer across the brain. We need to be more aware of the emotional lives of boys in our families and our schools. Some schools do provide useful lessons for boys in getting on with people (I wish I'd learnt more of this!) Boys probably need some coaching to help them work out the differences between sadness- such as when a loved one dies- and depression, which is much more worrying. We Anglo-Australian males might learn something useful from our Italian, Brazilian or Greek friends, who seem better at expressing and acknowledging their emotions. Perhaps we might learn something also from the women in our lives. I have a few who often give me some suggestions for improving my relationships…